I think that not fitting in – to any clique or ‘scene’ – was the best thing to ever happen to me.

So wait, you spend your time obsessing about what crap you want to buy, what CRAP you’re eating – and then, then you’re stilllll pledging allegiance to all those horrible washed out bands you swore you’d never break for?

Honey, you life is so boring and normal it hurts. Ouch.

Nero – Innocence listen to it. Story of my life.

Going to BoulderMolorado tomorrow for Mikey Thunder. Heard crazy rumors ’bout Rainbow Wheel of Death… I guess we will see what goes down at the show.

DJing at a strip club/afterhours soon. SexStep? DubSex?

I see this glass ceiling is starting to crack… Gonna bust through like Charlie n’ the Chocolate Factory (original vers.)

Other things afoot: casino hotel party next weekish. Get at me if you wanna come.

Building a Pirate ship that may or may not be done by Bass Invasion.

Living this life is killing me.
<3 XOHP

I really need to start playing out more.

Living with a girl who has the same profession as me is super awesome. Kinda like having 2 of me.

There is a new jack (maaaaybe 21) in the dubstep scene who I’ve seen out on multiple occasions; giving away his colors sofar as to wear a Down To Nothing shirt… Anywho. Last night I saw him straight up throw down on the dancefloor. But for once, it seemed to make sense. I see u twosteppin’, swingin’ those arms, stompin’ those feet… And its funny too cus he’s started following me around like he knew I knew what was up… Life is weird.

So imagine I have been eating ice cream roughly 2x a week for the last 10 years. So I know good ice cream when I see it. Someone offers me a scoop of ice cream, what do I consider before eating the it?

Is the ice cream good? Because I’ve had a lot of ice cream and I know good ice cream and I’m not about to start eating Lucerne Vanilla.

What will it cost me? Is it free? Nothing in life is free. And it seems the more you try and convince me of this free-ness, the more I’m probably going to regret the decision later.

And finally, will it make my tummy sick? Which in turn make me wish I had never eaten this too-good-to-be-true ice cream.

Freegan’s remorse.

Swingers are really disgusting to me. The idea of ‘getting fucked up and screwing around with someone you don’t know that well (and don’t want to know well for obvious reasons…) And then tossing them to the side when you are done is just not RIGHT.

Polyamory on the other hand encourages RELATIONSHIPS, love trust, sharing, understanding that you can’t own someone or expect promises… Some real next level humanity ish…

But I guess some people ain’t on my level.

Go get fucked.
It’s all you really want anyways.

Someone has been insinuating that she or I had to shake our asses at someone to get a ticket.

Hardly. Not now. Not never.

I was explaining to my roommate on the way up that I used to do security at Red Rocks and security guards are people too. She failed to believe me.

So we wait at the top of the hill debating if we are going to join the 200+ people seeing the tiny show for free at the top of the mountain with no flashlight (or) go talk to the security guards. I waited till the homie’s supervisor was gone (I’m not stupid) and just went and said, ‘is there any way you can let my friend and I in for free?’

Of course, he said no. Then these 2 guys showed up who were waiting on their friend to show up. Neither of them looked happy and I was hoping since they hadn’t the sense to just go in without their friend, would have the sense to give us their extra. Ten minutes go by. I get to hear Michal Menert play my favorite song of the summer – Summer Love. It’s un-released, and yet I’ve heard it three times in the last 6 months. Awesome.

I digress. After the song I see the security guard talking to his supervisor and I tell Mindy that they are up to something. She doesn’t believe me. So then we are starting to debate hiking up the hill. I keep saying ‘No flaslight, no way.’ Then, the security guard’s supervisor comes up to us and asks if we are waiting for someone to bring us tickets. I figure this is our ‘get the fuck off our property you loiterers’ speech. I tell him we were hoping someone would give us tickets. To which he says oh, well here you go. I was given these extras by some patrons. Thank you patrons and secuirty guards!

On that note I have found myself blessed to see Derek play (sold out shows for free) now 4 times. 1)Working at the *secret DVS Fox show 2)PL sold out in LA (somewhere in hwood) 3)surprise guest spot at Michal Menert’s show at Cervantes 4)PL Red Rocks show.

I’ve still never seen sold out TOOL. But I guess I’ve been doing pretty good! In fact, I don’t think I have paid to go to a show this whole year. Wow. I’ve seen some ish. And it’s true, the best shows are always free.

My roommate has a date over and it’s weird. I’m single now. And I have developed this retarded shyness when guys talk to me. Ever since I wore those nerdy glasses out, (trppnbllzz). They come and talk to me and I just clam up and look away awkwardly. I like it. You boys are fucking weird, and you always say the wrong thing. And it’s also true: I would rather you not talk to me at all then come up to me and talk to me about my tattoos.

Being single is good but weird. I like the freedom. I don’t like the meat market I’m witness to every time I go out. I have to hide if I’m fucked up because, again, you guys are weird, and truth be told, I don’t trust nary a one of you.

Ok maybe one. But I’m not sure if he really exists or he’s just something I made up in my head. It’s as though I miss someone I’m not sure I’ve ever met.

Still living the fairytale.
<3H. Princess

Leave me never would you, you show could I if…

She said that she still wants a friendship
She can’t live her life without me as a friend
I can’t figure out why I’d give a damn to what she wants
I don’t understand the now before the then

Most of this garbage I write
That these people seem to like
Is about you
And how I let you infect my life
And if they got to know you
I doubt that they would see it
They’d wonder what i showed you
How you could leave it
A friend in Chicago said that I should stay persistent
If I stay around I’m bound to break resistance
Fuck you, Lucy, for defining my existence
Fuck you and your differences

Fuck the what happened
I got stuck
They can peel pieces of me off the grill of her truck
Used to walk with luck
Used to hold her hand
Fell behind and played the role of a slower man
I wanna stand on top of this mountain and yell
I wanna wake up and break up this lake of hell
I feel like a bitch for letting the sheet twist me up
The last star fighter is wounded time to give it up
On a pick it up mission
Kept it bitter
Getting in a million memories just to forget her
The difficulty in keeping emotions controlled
Cookies for the road
Took me by the soul
Hunger for the drama
Hunger for the nurture
Gonna take it further
The hurt feels like murder
Interpret
The eyes
Read the lines on her face
The sunshine is fake
How much time did i waste?
Fuck you, Lucy, for leaving me
Fuck you, Lucy, for not needin’ me
I wanna say fuck you
Because i still love you
No, I’m not OK
And I don’t know what to do

Do I sound mad?
Well I guess I’m a little pissed
Every action has a point
Five points make a fist
You close ‘em
You swing ‘em
It hurts when it hits
And the truth can be a bitch
But if the boot fits
I got an idea
You should get a tattoo that says “Warning”
That’s all, just a warning
So the potential victim
Can take a left and safe breath
And avoid you
Sober and upset in the morning
I wanna scream “Fuck you, Lucy!”
But the problem is I love you, Lucy
So instead
I’m gonna finish my drink and have another
While you think about how you used to be my lover
(Fuck you)

And everyone in his life would
mistake it as love…

(If I could show you – you would have believed me.)

This blog is dedicated to the things I’ve learned from being 25 and things I’m observing about being 26.

I’m quite hungover so this may be a bit disjointed but I have been dying to write!

25 in recap: I GOT MY OWN HOUSE! I learned about blackouts. Why not to drink only redbull vodkas. Back to an automatic transmission. Got my first fail to appear. Did some foreal dj gigs. First outdoor garden I have seen to fruition. Got to go to Sonic Bloom which was tiiight.

On being 26: I can drink a hell of a lot more than I could at any previous age. Keep birthday wishes to yourself.

Goals for 26: Be a more reliable friend. Save more. Pick up the pieces. Financial independence!

Ok that’s all I got.

I know sad but true. Lots of fun last year. Lots of weird memories too… Been having a lot of flashbacks of last year this week.

Strange the passing of years in different locations. It’s funny, last year I was at LIB and hearing ALL about Sonic Bloom from my Colorado friends. Now, I’m going to be at Sonic Bloom and hearing all about my friends at LIB!

So anyways, here’s the current lineup of Sonic Bloom, which if you didn’t know is a 3 day camping/festival in Georgetown, CO.  Sub.mission is going to have a stage, Marty Party, Michal Menert, An-ten-Nae… And camping and music and dancing!

Can’t wait!

Although, I still have not bought my burningman ticket.

BUT things are on the up up up! And my garden is growing like nuts! I can’t wait to upload some flicks.

Settin’ em up and knockin’ em down!

H.

I was nineteen.
I was up in my room and bam there he was in my doorway.
I was happy to see him, pleased as punch that he would surprise me like this…
But then I remember,
The recent fights,
The constant disrespect,
The fact that he won’t let himself love me.
And then I realize this is not a friendly visit.
He says, ‘I’ve come here to rob you.’

What can you do?
But barter with the biased judge jury and henchman. (Life is not innocent until proven guilty and you don’t get an appeal even if your judge is fucked up on substances and his judgment is OFF.)

Because, after all, I’m just a stupid girl… Right?

It took 3 months to get my stuff back.

I’m hoping I can avoid/eschew any more of these situations in the future. Damn me for getting myself into this one… It’s like I make these hard boys so emotional that they freak and buck up so that they can go back to being cold and hard.

But I guess the lesson I’m trying to learn is that trying to date a thug is not a good idea because they cannot discern the difference between real beef and some drama with them and some chick who, for all intents and purposes is so cool and legit that she must be lying about everything and is not to be trusted.

I need to stop playing poker with card sharks.

For a multitude of reasons…

In other news I was seeing a boy for about a week long whirlwind romance; which has come to an end because he is, in his own words, a trainwreck. “On the run from being on the run.” Go me. I sure know how to pick them…

And it’s not that I have a problem with seeing someone who lives this lifestyle. In fact, I prefer it.

Things would all be going along swimmingly if it wasn’t for the fact that he fell really hard for me and is now grasping at straws trying to find a major flaw in me so that he can hate me and stop feeling so vulnerable from the weight of his enamored state. (Call it an act of self-preservation. Make up/believe a BS reason a girl should be kicked to the curb and believe it until she’s gone.)

But why does he have to say, “I don’t give a fuck.” When I know he does? Why does he have to constantly test me? It’s like I have all the stresses of being “one of the boys” but then none of the respect. What is it with homies freaking out on me cus’ one of their homies told them something that made them jealous enough to sabotage our relationship, (not even considering believing I could be telling the truth.)
“You could quite possibly be the best liar I have ever met.”
“I’m not lying, you have to believe me. I don’t roll like this. I’d rather not be friends if you won’t believe me.”
“This isn’t some fairytale, I don’t trust people like that, ever… It’s cool though I’m not judging you, we can still hang out.”

-I’m the girl, who’s so utterly cool, she must be a complete fraud, a charming pathological liar, a devil woman…

-Sometimes I think the more you hold it down the more people doubt you.

I keep asking these people how I am supposed to get to work now?

I feel like this is the universe making it so that I have to get a new job because I’m not living up to my potential… or something.  I can’t explain why it happened.  I know shit happens but most of the time you see it coming.  This one came out of left field man.

I am just so perplexed that I just got into the second death defying car accident of my life and walked away without a scratch.  I guess I’m supposed to thank the universe for that, but at the same time, you got me on my knees here buddy.

All I want is a nice guy to hold me, to run his fingers through my hair and tell me it’s going to be ok.  That will tell me that my job sucked and I can do better anyways, that he will believe in me and be there for me.  I wish that there was someone here who cared about me like that, someone who would give me reason that all of this hustle is for something.  Someone to come home to.

On the bright side, I got a pretty cute pooch to cuddle with.  (And now, the day off tomorrow… go me.)

He looked straight at me and ran across, almost into me.
Quite scared me half to death.
I was confused by the sudden movement,
The recognition of features,
When the blue eyes met up with mine.
I knew this game.
He was looking to see if I was watching.
He dashed by and bounced into a group of people next to me.
For about 30 seconds I wondered what just happened,
Then I recognized, the hyphy-skippy-hop at the end.
Yeah, you got my attention.
It’s been a while since I’ve actually seen someone,
Actually JUMP AROUND
When they got excited.
Very cute.

—–

I accidentally deleted my laptop’s soundcard.

Do you know what that means?  I’m going out my DJ gear 24/7 nao.

We get by.

I did however bring a can of vegetarian beans and a spoknifork which I happily nom-ed on return from the Aggie.  The crew and I went to BCB for dinner which is sweet when you get to a)eat delicious potoato heaven and b)introduce someone new to your addictions.

So I am having a hard time trying to keep my hands to myself as usual.  After the affairs I just went through, I really can’t consider wanting to bring anyone too close to my personal life.  And I know this is kinda weird but I still haven’t washed the blood off the walls.  (For 2 reasons: I don’t want to forget how fucked up it can get and let it be a warning that it can get really fucked up if you aren’t watching for the right/wrong signs.  The second reason being I don’t want anyone to get any ideas coming over!  I know I’m THAT charming.  Betty Motherfucking Crocker.

And so it seems that the more I try and say, “Not today.”  The more these strange situations keep presenting themselves.  What I think is going on here is a black hole.  I think no matter how much you give someone they will always want more.  They will always WANT what they cannot have.  So it doesn’t matter how hard to try to satiate them, they will only want the insatiable.  In this theroy I have started, “Not giving a f#@%.”  Cus’ haters gon’ hate no matter what you do, but MOST especially when you are doing it right.  Anyways.  Haters to my LEFT.

There’s this thing with the rest of you though.  The problem is, if I REALLY like a guy, I wouldn’t ever want to date him because I’m really a ticking timebomb when in a relationship, and the guys I have been with will attest to the shrapnel they are still dealing with.  So say, I know that this super awsome, sweet, friend of mine wants to take it to the next level, but once at that next level I’m being forced to promise things that I am not really ready to promise.  Like, fidelity.

Usually, when I am with a guy I am all about him until he pisses me off to the point of constant annoyance.  At that point I’m so focused on trying to re-balance my life that it may seem to an outsider that I’m just a cold hard bitch.  Thing is, I’m not.  I’m sappy, emotionally voulnerable, and quite crazy.  So one day I just decided the best way to keep the drama of my exes to a minimum was to just cut off contact all together.  This is usually done in a very abrubt, very permanent manner, which makes most guys start ranting and raving about “How they thought I was the one, but now I’m just a stupid c*%&.  Now, if I’m so HORRIBLE why the heck were you in love with me again?  Whatthefuckever.

Anyways, so basically, I think that relationships need to be fun.   And I am all about having fun.  And I know that that can develop into relationships, but once we cross that line we can never go back and there’s a highly likely possibility that I might change my mind.  (Or finally be seeing things as they are.)  And you over there, are holding your heart out and I’m saying, it’s not gonna work.

I wish that people were not so POSSESSIVE.  I wish they didn’t want what they cannot have.  I wish that they didn’t think that just because I batted my eyelashes at them or talked about “the revolution” with them that they are going to be sticking around forever.  What gets you STUCK AROUND is being a good person.  All my oldest friends, are also the most genuine, and nicest, community based individuals.  If you were kicked to the curb there’s a legitimate reason and you know it.  And lord knows I already give too many second, third, fourth chances.

So if it didn’t work.  It just didn’t work…  Get over it and move on.  And if you’re MY FRIEND, accept the fact that I will never stab you in the heart like what happens to the poor bastards that date me.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is please back up a little.  It’s getting hard to breathe.

So, it’s been about a week since I have been trying to write this blog.  (Or anything for that matter.)  I have a wicked case of WRITING block.  I have ideas but it’s very hard sometimes to actually sit down and write when I’m so deep in reflection.  I gotta get back in the groove.  I guess I have developed a worry for “What people think” again.  I gotta just do it.  Shake off the rustiness.   Yay for having the internet again finally!  Superconciousness!  At my fingertips!

It seems it’s been over a year since I wrote a blog, from this computer, attached to the internet.  Yeah I remember it pretty clearly, I think I was in the middle of my first cross-country adventure, in a motel in ARIZONA.

Ah, the open road.  I miss it.  Every time I get into my car I suddenly feel less restrained.  I feel free. I can breathe.  The world is no longer crashing down upon me.  If only I had a vehicle that could withstand long term travel (ie a toyota) but I guess that’s the reason for me being stuck in this state anyways.

People have been beginning to ask me why it is I came back to CO.  Which in recent days has been sort of embarassing to explain.  “Well, my ex and I broke up and I had a puppy and there was no way that she’d be happy in a 4×4 yard in Cali.  So I moved back.”

The next question as of late has been, “So who is the dude?”  To which I then have to explain is the same ex that I just left in CA…

It’s quite sad.  To spend the last 5 or so years traveling CA thinking I’d find this “California Guy” that I somehow had always been searching for, and indeed DID FIND at a festival called Lightning in a Bottle.  I guess you could say that meeting anyone at a GIAINT PARTY spells disaster but when your life is like mine sometimes your work IS your play…

So yeah, things went wrong not once but TWICE with my newly re-ex.  Once in CA and once in CO.  I’d like to think that two people willing to work together could make anything work.  But two people working together 100% of the time is almost like winning the lottery.

So give up.  Even the cutest guy at this point, I no longer have the energy to entertain.  I have given so much of my time to men…. I’m just done.

I keep changing what I’m looking for as if.  As if a “farmer” would suddenly change all the problems I have been having dating men who don’t give a shit about recycling, let alone growing crops or knowing the first thing about sustainability.  I digress…

I’m realizing that no matter what I am looking for it’s just someone that I hope will do the things I like better than I do.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that the “Farmer, DJ, Burner, Tech Geek, Warrior Prince” I am looking for should be characteristics I try and fufill within myself…

Hey it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these.

blehwritersblocksucksimgoingtopostthisanywaysbutithinkitreallysucks

PEACE
h.bomby

So let’s catch up. I’m 25, car less, (still own a current license), no degree, circus training, sound, lighting, stage design and knuckle tattoos. So where to next? Your guess is as good as mine. About to start to get to know the local RTD real well. (Not looking forward to tramping around in the snow.)
As usual, I’m already planning the next vacation out of town. I want to go to WMC/Ultra this year but it seems it’s a month long? :/I don’t really expect to do much traveling this winter (although my horoscope says otherwise) and my goals list says 3 month tour by 25, so I’ve got about 6 months left to reach that goal… Anyways, I am super excited as usual for New Years, and I think I’m correct, that this will be the first NYE in the last 3 that I’m not going to be somewhere to see The Glitch Mob. Weird, that’s I have spent the last couple years celebrating in presence of GM.
So maybe I’ll head back to SF for the Sea of Dreams (again killer lineup) but I saw something impressive in Denver too. Going to (hopefully bus’ and stars aligning) see PantyRaid in Boulder next month.
Oh and Cirque Berzerk is doing shows in Jan in LA too. I wish I could chill for a month! Ah, soon, not now but soon.
Well enough of what will be let’s talk about what has been.
5 things I miss from norcal:
Trees
Being so close to sf/sac/reno/everything
Dready everywhere
Hot springs
10 things I miss from LA:
Izzy
Cirque berzerk
Ninja mansion
Smog
Lowendtheory
Bill
Bunker
Being a bad ass
The patio @ ninja mansion
And even sometimes ol granddaddy Spectr

Friendships come and go. Things spiral in and out and you’re either heading towards the positive side of the ruler or slipping back down the negative side. Time referencing points across distance traveled… But in 3D… Get it?

Every day more and more I see ourselves as scientists, studying, measuring, hypothesizing… Life.

And it trips me the fuck out.

I’ll try and stay in touch more. You should too

HP

I bet you wonder what the hell I have been up to.

I can break it down only one way.  I moved up to Northern Cali (notably Grass Valley!!!) last January and spent 5 months hiking the beautiful wooded mountains.  (My house had the North Fork American River 6.5 miles away… on my road!)  Cruzed all around Northern Cali/The Bay area and checked out what there is to see.

I had always had aspirations to move to San Francisco but in the time I spent in SF I can say it was smelly and not that pretty.  Yes I loved Golden Gate Park and the shopping and people are one of a kind… I just realized how much I love living in the country.  I mean, after LA a 2 hour commute anywhere is not that big of a deal.  So yeah, Norcal, whats up?  I love you!  I’ll be back!

So Norcal kinda fell apart.  Without bringing unmentionables into the story I can only say that it was as much my fault as it was the people I involved myself with.  In leaving my home in GV I learned a lot about how unhealthy my relationships had become and how that is related to whom I have relationships with.  Just gonna put this out there that I am definitely attracted to bad boys.  To my own fault.  The story unfolds further.

In May, I was working at the WONDERFUL Lightning in a Bottle in SoCal, which was sadly, the only outdoor/camping festival I have attended this year.  (More of the story goes here.  But I just don’t wanna rehash it.)  I ended up leaving at the end of the festival to find myself, pup-in-tow, carless, in Riverside of all places.

Oh Riverside… My first experience with this Republican city in the middle of Democratic California set the bar for the rest of my stay in the city.  I met my parents there once while living in LA because they “Just don’t want to deal with LA traffic.”  So I, the good daughter drove the 2 hours to this godforsaken place, to drive up and down the one main street, go to Olive Garden and watch a movie at the Mall AMC.  Welcome to the Great Boring.  No one wants to live somewhere their 70 yr old parents consider, “Nice.”

So I met a BOY at LIB who convinced me that me living with him was the best idea ever.  And had he kept his head on straight, it would have been.  I loved the life we were building in our heads.  It was what BOTH of us had always wanted.   He had a year old pitbull puppy, I did too.  He spun poi, I did too.   I don’t want to go into the details but on the surface is was what I thought was ….  But there’s more.

I have a list.  It’s a list of no-no’s when it comes to the choosing of a partner.  One of the things on that list has to do with a mental disorder known as schizophrenia.  Schizophrenics, as I believe have a hard time accepting reality.  Welcome to the jungle baby.

*Insert multiple mental hospital visits by both parties.

I have learned that the most fanatic of people are also the craziest.  And if you want to see FAITH… Go to a mental hospital.  Really though, the food is good, you can throw all out fits, and everyone is there to listen and help.  Obviously, both parties would have to be crazy to be admitted and I can say true story, I was at my wits end.  (More boring history of me being kicked out at 15 and the map that leads to co-dependency,  PTSD, and falling in love with the occasional sociopath.)

ANYWAYS…

1 week ago began my departure from the BEAUTIFUL state of California.  My parents have come a long way and were basically awesome enough to deal with the mess that they gave up when I was 15.  One truckload later and here I am.

So I’m back in CO.  On my own again… funny how hard it is for me to keep to myself.  It all started with the fact that my first place,  a place I had by myself, and LOVED.  I had a very unlucky, homeless, 27 year old as my boyfriend and as crazy as love is, I let him move in…

7 years later… And I’m breaking the curse, looking at places BY MYSELF.

It feels good to be free.

Oh and California… you best keep grindin’ ‘cus I’m just getting started.

See you kiddos soon.

xo hp.

I have been wrestling lately with the clandestine nature of my blogs. I’d love to open up and get into the ooey gooey if not just to wake up some innocent fool on the other side of this screen to what is really going on, the complexities of human relationships and the even more complex human mind. My fears and experiences also shape my choices and in the end my life is what most are, a mess.
It’s weird sitting in a mental hospital, telling the admit nurse you took two years of college to drop out and move to LA. Even weirder to hear a song you did a music video for, sitting amongst the crazies, and them wondering how the fuck I ended up in Riverside, let alone the mental hospital.
So where to next? When do I stop running? And when do I know I’ve gotten there?
To all of this, I’ve got no answers. But I do know I’ve got to get my life together.

It’s been a while since I’ve written, this new wordpress blackberry app is gonna take some getting used to.

Chin up.

We’ll be seeing each other soon.

Do you have any idea how traumatic it is to go through one’s things and decide what stays and what goes?

The envelope with the Denver skyline on it will go.
The cabinets, and containers will go…
(Hello Panic Attack)
The memories still remain.

Trying to figure out what’s gonna fit in the whip ‘cus we’re busting out of this town.

Just a observation;
But why is it,
In big cities,
People force themselves to settle for less,
Just to swim in this cesspool.

I mean I lived the LA Warehouse Club Lifey.
(Hello Panic Attack)
I don’t know how I did it for so long.

I have been seeing a lot of this country in these last two months and as my New Years Rez. has it, spending as much time out and about in this beautiful land is what this year is all about.

I got a place up in NorCal and I am in process of getting it all set up.  Things will be wrapping up when I get back from this roadtrip and the final touches will done.  Then it’s jus

From there it’s a LONG laundry list of fun things to do this summer starting with:

Feb 27th GM is playing in Tahoe FTW!
Mar 4th PantyRaid @ King King
Mar 6 SMOG Shakleton
SXSW – Mar 16-18 (Rusty Spurs GM)
Mar 23-27th Winter Music Conference//Ultra Music Miami
April 16-18 Coachella

I have been gardening my ass off and it’s fun as hell to watch my little seedlings sprout.  I have a HUGE yard at this house and a fenced off garden and so I’m gonna rent me a till and MARK MY WORDS by May I will have enough vegetables to feed all of my friends for the rest of the summer.

Road Trip Rules:
1.) Always wipe down public toilet seats even they look clean.
2.) Be nice to your body, stay hydrated, and pee when you need to.  Don’t punish yourself because you are stuck in a car.  Pamper yourself as much as possible.
3.) Cracking sunflower seeds keeps you awake on sleepy night drives.

Friends help you find things and elevating others elevates yourself.

As per usual I’m too busy to finish this.    See you kitty kats later.

*I want to take a second to say in all fairness that I did leave this class feeling better and clear headed and I was also told that I may not “get it” the first couple of times but to keep coming back.  I am basing my opinion on one class alone and therefore, most of my information is probably skewed.

Another thing I learned in this class is that the things I have put myself through, such as the meditation classes I took as a teen (4+ hours of sitting completely still with almost no guidance) are much harder than the things that other people willingly put themselves through.  (Sitting in a chair for an hour, talking about colors.)

I have found this as an overarching theme in my life as of late, as it is reflective of many other things I have thrown myself at, at a very young age with fervor and obsessive-compulsive drive.  I mean, at 17, I would stay up past my curfew to do my KRFC RADIO SHOW AT 1 AM… AND GO TO HIGHSCHOOL THE NEXT DAY.  (That, PLUS holding down 2 jobs.)  No offense to Maryanne Hobbs but …. But I am not about to be one of those people who constantly talks about their past as if they relive the moment every day with as much over-exaggerated-confidence as the first; I digress.

I heard this phrase the other day on the way back from SF with Izzy and she said that sex, like duct tape, loses it’s sticky.  I think that lots of songs lose their sticky… activities lose their sticky, people lose their sticky… you get the idea.  Gotta try to fix that.  Gotta get the sticky back.

They say fake it till you make it and I used to think that meant save up until it’s time, but now I’m realizing it’s a give all or nothing kind of deal where you don’t get a chance to win the big fancy car if you don’t actually play the game.

Yeah, yeah, keep telling me not to play games.

But it’s just getting fun!

Here’s to the ones that broke MY heart.

Yeah,

I can be vindictive
and spiteful
against the opposite sex
too.

La la.

*muah*

//

Sometimes it’s easier to regurgitate what other’s have said, than to actually come up with a new idea.

That what passes for

Sometimes it’s easier to say “you” when I really mean “me.”

As in, you really should get that looked at.

I mean,
Isn’t it easier to make excuses,
Than it is to right a wrong.

And if:
I can stop smoking cold turkey after 5+ years.

Anything is possible.

///

Packing my bags,
and my FOOD
and my sleeping bag.

And my pillow.

I put up a CL add about meeting up with some burner folks in SF.  Now it seems I’m coming to a PARTY.

I have THE CUTEST little country inspired dress, boots and indian headband.  AND I picked up some super bright LEDs which I am going to swing around as poi.  They are blue and green and look like I’m swinging around fireflies as opposed to light sticks which I think is actually cooler.

Despite the fact that I will be in SF I will be taking it pretty easy while I am up there and I am not hoping for much, with the hopes that my idea of a good time will be blown out of the water.

Last time I was in SF it was horrible.  I am going to try and not let that happen again, but I am not going to set myself up for it being totally awesome if it’s not really, going to be totally awesome.  It has potential, I’m glad I’m going.  Let’s leave it at that.

I have to get my laundry done and get to bed very soon.  I want to be up and on-the-road by 6 AM and so I still have to:

Pack clothes/makeup/electronics
Unpack/Repack Car
Laundry
Sleep
Eat Breakfast
Print Directions

I’m nervous
I’m not ready
I’m packing
I’m hungry
I’m trying to figure out when I am gonna sleep before 6AM?

////

Just got done HAND DETAILING my car.  And they said it couldn’t be done.

/////

Was listening to BANE the other day and got REALLY, REALLY, excited.

//////

…It could happen.

///////

Let’s go back to square one again,
It seems like we’ve all lost touch
With what we all once loved so much…
We’ve lost so much
What happened to those sleepless nights
Just waiting for the show?
Has our excitement grown dull?
I’m here remembering again… all that was said

Your flag was flown, now drawn aside
And i cannot find any reason why

Just empty words thrown around so careless
I’m here questioning their worth…
I’m questioning their worth

Let’s go back to square one again,
It seems like we’ve all lost touch
With what we all once loved so much…
We’ve lost so much

And all the love once shared,
Belittled and betrayed, is lost
But not forgotten… it’s coming back in me

So here’s to our sleepless nights and singalongs,
To the new kids and the old ones…
This is our night and our show!
The love once shared, belittled and betrayed…
Is not lost.

When the boy’s china dog is misplaced, the Velveteen Rabbit is given to the boy as a quick replacement by the maid. The Velveteen Rabbit soon takes his place as the boy’s constant companion. The Rabbit becomes shabbier, but the boy loves him no matter what. In the woods near the boy’s home, the Velveteen Rabbit meets actual rabbits, and learns about the differences between himself and the real rabbits when the real rabbits prove he is not real by his inability to hop or jump or his shedding fur.

The Velveteen Rabbit’s companionship with the boy lasts until the boy falls ill with scarlet fever. The boy becomes too ill to play for a very long time; upon his recovery, he is sent to the seaside on doctor’s orders. The boy wishes to take the Rabbit with him, but his doctor forbids him to take the germ-laden toy and says it must be burned along with all the nursery toys in order to disinfect the nursery. The boy is given a new plush rabbit with glass eyes and is so excited about the trip to the seaside that he forgets his old Velveteen Rabbit. While awaiting the bonfire, in which the Velveteen Rabbit will be burned, the Rabbit cries a real tear. This tear brings forth the Nursery Magic Fairy. She tells the Rabbit that he was only real to the boy and brings him to the woods, where he realises that he is a real rabbit at last and runs to join the other rabbits in the wild.

The following spring, the boy sees the Rabbit hopping in the wild and thinks he looks like his old Velveteen Rabbit, but he never knows that it actually was. The Rabbit, however, knows that he used to be an old stuffed animal and the boy had loved him.

Yeah, I feel more calm already.

Top 10 Moments of 2009

-P.O.S. @ The Marquis

-Meeting Jeremiah

-Working for Deathwish//Creating Glow Go Girls

-Moving back out to Cali

-My Summer at the Circus

-SMOG 3 Year

-Getting a Soundcard//Staring to DJ

-BM09

-Sean and Heather Bunker adventures

-Living w. Spectr

Favorite Memory: Dancing for Rusko @ Nocturnal Wonderland

Biggest Achievement: Working for Cirque Berzerk

Biggest Lesson Learned: Don’t trust anyone.

And even to this day,
It surprises me,
How curiosity,
Has always,
Torched this kitty.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

It is perplexing to me that at almost a quarter of a century old I still have to remind myself that just because people SAY anything does not mean they intend to do it. This is an aspect of the human condition I do not understand. My voice is a projection of my will it cannot be any other way. If I can’t be articulate about the preceedings of an event it is only because of my loyalties to others that makes it is so. I find it hard to believe that others can so easily deceive me (and sometimes even themselves).

…. Enough about the delusional middle class.

???
Someone asked me if I was an “artist” last night.
I looked them straight in the face and told them I was a CON Artist, just like everyone else in the room.

/////////

I wish you weren’t just another Josh Hartnett
And me a Sarah Michelle Gellar.

(ha)

You know,
LA has great potential,
To turn me into a Bitter,
Jaded,
FUCK.

Good thing I’ve got self awareness!

Off to the warehouse dist.

xo

PS It’s been 2 weeks since I smoked a cigarette

PSS I am laughing to myself at the fact that I’m trying to shove plugs in my ears with images of a fat little Buddha on them, knowing full well that by the time he reached enlightenment he was no longer wearing jewelry. Oh well, hahhahaa.

Just venting about how cool yet entirely difficult it is suddendly having 2 30 something brothers who both pick on me and lecture me most of my waking hours. For not really having a fam, I’ve been extremely blessed with amazing individuals who help me become something greater.

THANKS.

Got a new music/band/project that is super fun/for fun but also super rad. Got practice tonight. I’m going to be on the mic… but hell if BEN can do it. I can too….

Speaking of Ben, and Jasmin and Mandy, and Savannah – Jeremiah – So much to say to all of you, best broken down into missing/cherishing the times we spent together. Hoping we have more in the future; excited to see what you all are up to next. (This is the super inspirational part of watching your friends grow up.)

Whoah… it’s -15 in CO? So xblessedx to not be there. Trying to enjoy the weather out here in these parts, also rather chilly, colder than I had thought in fact (although it obviously seems rather cold all around). I do hate the cold. Absolutely hate it. But I guess that’s just the seasons. Good/bad. On/off. Hot/cold.

OK BACK TO LOSCANDALOUS:

For a long time I have been trying to get under the wing of operation Xor project Y realizing all the way that they, neither SEE my value nor use it to anyone’s atvantage. Learning the tried and true mantra of “If you want it done right you gotta do it yourself.” So I’ve been gathering my army to start a new club night in LA. You want in? It’s a community. Maybe even a non-profit??

Trying to amass they money to go to Winter Music Conference in March, (as well as SXSW) and then Europe in June and then BM10!!!! WTF!?!?!? Crazy life.

Ok now I’m just repeating myself.

I have a few of you I lurk on the interwebs and beyond and it’ cant be that fucking cold in CO that all of you have given up the dream. Someone show me a sign of life! No one writes in their blogs anymore, seems everyone has a dead beat job with no light at the end of the tunnel or is in school for some reason unbeknownst to them. I see so many people every day, put down the sword and give up the battle. It’s like they have given in to the idea of finding that which makes them happiest and therefore will settle for a 9-5 that pays the bills so that they can be comfortable in their rented house, with big screen TV. I don’t get it, the tradeoff just doesn’t seem worth it.

I know that I’m not giving up the dream anytime soon. I’m LIVING IT.

PS I will be up in SF this NYE at Sea of Dreams. Gonna drive up with Izzy and check out the BAY! So fun! Neither of us have really checked it out so it should be fun. Gosh I need to get some CASH together!!!

PSS Where are the Hoopers (and Yoga Masters) in LA? I need to find a free or semi free class // lets organize a jam. Need to vent all of this extra adrenaline!

Wow, seems like I need to get busy on the GREEN front.

XO XO XO
Love you all.

H.

There are two major problems with habitation in the wilderness: One, there is really no way to make money (or should I say have a civilian job) because there are no “corporate” jobs in the middle of nowhere, no bars or mechanics, grocery stores or nightlife. The other being lack of people. Which sometimes IS a benefit, but most of the time I need some type of person/person human interaction that seems lacking it the smaller ponds of the world. I love people, I love meeting new people and I love amassing groups of people to party. Sitting in a cabin up in Norcal seems fun when all your friends are there, but what about when it’s just you and your dog? Been there, done that. Trying to figure out the happy medium between just me and my dog and the entire underground scene of Los Angeles.

Always pondering where to buy some land and set up a secondary unit, on the other side of the San Andreas Faultline of course. There’s a lot of country left for me to explore and I STILL have not even been to Europe!

Things I’m adding to the giant list:

Go to the Winter Music Conference Mar 2010

Go to Europe with Jasmin in June 2010

Sell a NYT Bestseller book.

Get a GREAT motorcycle by the end of 2010.

Get a new place to live with walls and a garage by Feb 2010.

Network. Network. Network.

Pick up your phone.

This sucks because for some reason deep down inside I like him. I like him like I have liked a rare few boys, all of which have RUINED my life. He’s got that killer combo, a bad boy with game. G*d, I’m so typical… These boys, these Bad Boys, lack compassion, are defunct of the ability to choose right or the ability to tell the truth; are a rare type of heroin, that this HEROINE is addicted to. I’m not about to break into the WHY here but let’s just say I can’t do THAT anymore. & as much as I like you honey, if you keep playing this role, we gotta go separate ways. As much as I love your big crooked fangs, I’ve also seen the meyley and the aftermath of dealing with such a charming, clever, good-looking, dishonest, Wolf; and I don’t know if I can stand another.

Maybe I gave you some tests too.

Ugh.

Having benign crushes is annoying verging on painful.

Sometimes I wish my blog was anonymous so I could post all my sordid, erotic, prose/air my dirty laundry Bukowski style.

—————————————————————————-
Is it funny or just plain mean-
When someone who has been missing from your life for the last 4 months and 4 days-
Suddenly re-appears-
Only to have you promise them-
To call them tomorrow-
Of which they answer-
Nary one-
Of your 15 calls.

These are the supporting documents I will present when I turn in my heterosexual card.

nothing quite like the feel of a bruised ego.

PS Baby, this one’s for you.

ANOTHER BED
from: Love is a Mad Dog from Hell

another bed
another women

more curtains
another bathroom
another kitchen

other eyes
other hair
other
feet and toes.

everybodys looking.
the eternal search.

you stay in bed
she gets dressed for work
and you wonder what happened
to the last one
and the one after that…
it’s all so comfortable-
this love making
this sleeping together
the gentle kindness…

after she leaves you get up and use her
bathroom,

it’s all so intimate and strange.
you go back to bed and
sleep another hour.

when you leave its with sadness
but you’ll se her again
whether it works or not.
you drive down to the shore and sit
in your car. it’s almost noon.

-another bed, other ears, other
ear rings, other mouths, other slippers, other
dresses

colors, doors, phone numbers.

you were once strong enough to live alone.
for a man nearing sixty you should be more
sensible.

you start the car and shift,
thinking, I’ll phone Jeanie when I get in,
I haven’t seen her since Friday.

These two are an amazing example of why my life does not suck. It’s funny, growing up in broken home you’d think I’d never have that big brother knowledge that I always wanted/needed. But I got my parenting from someone other than my parents, it makes only sense that I would get big brother knowledge another way as well. Ironic that these men are teaching me exactly what I need to learn.

You would not imagine the amount of knowledge that gets dropped here at the Ninja Mansion. I really am in finishing school. Maybe warrior/badass/dj/princess school none-the-less it is here, I am preparing and by golly I am thankful for having these two great mentors in my life.

I have… pretty much everything I need to FULLY SUCCEED in this dirty little city at my fingertips. It’s all… right here.

So what I’m trying to say is
I’m going to be just fine.

Now it’s time for bed.

I have a (gasp)
Sound gig tomorrow!

Going with the flow and having a positive mental attitude is totally working out for me. Sometimes I see/read people with negative thought patterns and I wonder how anyone can stand to be around them, how they can even stand themselves!

Anyways,

Bill moved in.

We’ll be partying it up at Low End Theory on Weds. Rubbing elbows and planning the CRUSHing of LA!

Preparing for not having a place to have Thanksgiving, and although I would rather choose to not celebrate a fake, over patriotized, massacre; sitting at home hungry, with no where to go while everyone else enjoys the excesses is equally if not more painful.

There is a certain special someone that I may or may not have a crush on and the crush is slowly wearing off, or should I say my feelings of emotions are wearing off. Ghost sensations are finally dulling away and it seems that I still might be in one piece. It’s like going through a major injury and getting rehabilitation; you have (most) of your original movement but it will never feel quite the same again. (Although saying that and knowing that as soon as I give up on anything is when I finally get what I want…)

I find it funny that when it all boils down…
Chaos,
It is indeed,
Just another pattern.

Have you ever worked on something to not see it to fruition? It’s one of my biggest pet peeves not seeing a project through to it’s final stages. I don’t see any point in spending any time on ANYTHING if you can’t realize that there is no point to the MEANS if there is no ENDS. Follow through and finish. Sometimes I wonder how these people got where they are with their heads up their asses… I digress…

So a couple of the people I work with are quite unhappy (with reason) with a couple of the other people I work with. Things are strange around here. I kind of feel like the child of what’s about to be a really ugly divorce, at an equally ugly time. It’s a morose time at the Ninja Mansion.

I keep thinking to myself that tomorrow when I wake up things will be back to normal, that in some way shape or form, Saturday will still be the event I’ve been looking forward to for the last 2.5 months like I thought it was supposed to be. Maybe I’m still in denial. But with the stark contrast of a completely empty, completely quiet loft, I am led to believe this fight is ending.

I just spent the last two months promoting a project that now may not even see the light of day (more on THAT later). I (being the rationalist that I am) believe that what goes up must come down, even in pieces it must come down, this metal balloon has been wavering for quite some time, I just don’t understand why now. But I guess it’s not my place to say, be like water. The good stuff is coming and I already got next so, we’re on it.

Mission impossible – possible.

In light of this situation and a couple of other “setbacks” I have learned that if you want to do something right you have to do it yourself. Which means I’ve committed myself to throwing a party next week.

So me and a couple my friends are looking for a SUSTAINABLE venue. The rental needs to be less than 1k.

Hit me up.

Something good is gonna come out of this. I know it.

Happy Friday the 13th. This is def. one for the history books.

..over…out

//endtransmission

PS why is surprise with an S and realize with a Z?

Holding on for one hell-of-a rickety, windy, scary as hell rollercoaster drop. Been preparing for this one for a while…

I am currently looking at doing a donation based yoga class in my loft. As you may or may not know my loft has great parking and a huge indoor area. I am still looking for a yoga instructor that would like to come by and work on a donation basis (I figure if we get 10 people to donate 5 dollars that’s pretty good for an hour of yoga!!!) Anyways, so I’m looking for a teacher and students!

In addition I have been working on this festival called We the People. It’s Nov 21 and The Glitch Mob is playing as well as Flobots, Pepper, Madvillian, 6Blocc and a WHOLE BUNCH of my art friends YO! PEACE and Spectr will be doing live screenprinting as well as live wheatpasting AND there’s a TON of amazing speakers. YOU should come out… Going to be one of the BEST shows of the year! www.wethepeoplefestival.com

Working on 3 mixes at a time. Refining Mashups I’ve made. Trying to keep grindin’ and staying focused without burning myself out. Getting ready to take some free Ableton courses (Hit me up if you want to go the next one is on the 17th!)

I’m looking to get booked for some gigs right now… I am so eager to chomp on the bit that I am offering any of my friends the opportunity to help me//help them doing a 50/50 split on any gigs you get me. Think Hip-hop/Burner/Electro Mashups/PopStep BOOK ME!!!

Going to go see Mimosa Thurs night. Come one come all! (Gonna get pretty hectic next week! Might be the last you see of me before We The People!)

Working on a Pop Up Botique Social called Adornment that’s happening the first week of Dec. Keep your ears posted.

My good friend/mentor Bill is moving out here in a week (He works with GM and will be mixing the WTP show) Anyways, he’s coming to live with me and Spectr. Should be fun to see what Bill will bring to the mix as well as his connects and what he’s got going on….

Things are slow now.. but as I said this rollercoaster is a big un!

Here.

We.

Go!

WEEEE!

I also am totally getting into dressing like a girl. In fact I have this new fascination with heels and I get it now. Good heels are hard to find, and EXPENSIVE. Therefore the search for good, quality, cheap heels is fun and pretty rewarding. Also wanting 150 dollar heels is pretty good for the moral, and very good motivation for making a crap ton of money.

http://www.zappos.com/n/p/p/7565982/c/68.html

http://www.heels.com/womens-shoes/nika-heel-leopard.html

http://www.heels.com/womens-shoes/francisca-heel-leo.html

http://www.heels.com/womens-shoes/camile-natural-leopard.html

And handbags!

http://www.dillards.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=301&storeId=301&langId=-1&productId=502077014

http://www.macys.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=422687&cm_mmc=GoogleShopping-_-2-_-20-_-MP220

http://www.store1.globaleasysell.com/Items/1310227352

http://www.amazon.com/Betsey-Johnson-Betseyville-Stripes-Weekender/dp/B002T5TBVI/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=I192NY3KO81WEY&colid=3NF2CE2AKCNB9

http://www.amazon.com/Betsey-Johnson-Rock-Bucket-Shoulder/dp/B001PBF512/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=I3GIG743YC31IO&colid=3NF2CE2AKCNB9

Now to start the mix that I am going to sell for a donation so that I can get 195 dollars to go to this Ableton workshop next weekend. Hit me up if you want a copy!

Ableton Live 8 Tour

I do however believe in love, for whatever that is worth. (Hahaha keep all teasing and jaded comments to ya’selves!) The feeling involved with loving someone is the closest thing I can think of to having spirituality.  And so I will take the “Leap of Faith” despite all rationale, to believe in the concept of true love, the dance between two people, who know each other’s every thought and movement and the song that they sing each other to fill in the gaps.  Human interaction in general is a pretty beautiful thing and I can believe in that too.

I believe in right action,
and Utilitarianism,
Which is, as the Merriam-Webster dictionary states as:

a doctrine that the useful is the good and that the determining consideration of right conduct should be the usefulness of its consequences; specifically : a theory that the aim of action should be the largest possible balance of pleasure over pain or the greatest happiness of the greatest number.

And so if I look out for the good of the greatest number,
I’m hoping,
That the odds are in my favor,
That I too will end up in the pool,
Of people receiving the greatest happiness.

And that is,
Ladies and Gentlemen,
“The philosophy of life and love.”
By: Heather Peterson, Oct. 25th 2009

People with high-functioning autism have average or above average intelligence. However, they may show other behaviors and signs similar to what’s seen with other types of autism.

Unlike people with other forms of autism, people with high-functioning autism or Asperger’s syndrome want to be involved with others. They simply don’t know how to go about it. They may not be able to understand others’ emotions. They may not read facial expressions or body language well. As a result, they may be teased and often feel like social outcasts.

1. Impairment or total absence of quality social skills such as interaction, etc.
2. Presence of interest towards odd items and interests towards repetitive, restricted and stereotyped behaviors
3. Lack of coordination in vital areas of functioning
4. Despite the impaired social skills, there will not be any lacuna in language learning
5. Near normal mental development, self-help skills and adaptive behaviors (other than social skills)
6. Majority of the symptoms will be similar to the symptoms of specific pervasive developmental disorder or schizophrenia and hence note to differentiate
7. lack of skill in interacting with others
8. little understanding of the abstract uses of language, such as humor or give-and-take in a conversation
9. obsessive interest in specific items or information
10. strong reactions to textures, smells, sounds, sights, or other stimuli that others might not even notice, such as a flickering light

Persons afflicted with HFA are in fact regarded as normal person barring few odd behaviour. They are usually regarded as aloof, but communicate in a normal way showing interests towards few special areas and engage in uninterruptible monologue on such interested topics.

Sound’s like almost every dude I know.

This is why I am still single.

Tent living:

In the process of reading The Grapes of Wrath,
Combined with the fact that I have fabric for the walls of my room,
and the ever-present burner scene,
I have decided that tent living is not that bad.

Once the noise pollution is accepted as a part of life,
it’s not so bad.
There is a great and open community in tent living.

You’re always in the conversation (all is needed is a yell.)
You’re aware of the ever changing weather patterns.
You’re always aware of whats going on.
There is much less tendency to be antisocial.

I am actually considering keeping this up.
I would hate to go back to a real room,
which I would close the door and lock myself in.
To get a little privacy,
Or a little noise reduction,
Or to sleep till 4.

Yeah,
I like my tent life.

hahahaha my life:

me,
my tent,
and a bunch of high functioning autistic DJs.

I am over one-demensional dudes. It seems most of the guys I know are obsessive about one thing, (possibly very good at that one thing) but that ONE THING doesn’t make you as a person. Or at least, not a very appealing person to someone such as a highly astute Sound Engineer/Promoter/Dancer/Seamstress/Mechanic/Performer/DJ/Activist… Think about it.

I’m also over dudes that feel like they need to dominate me in every respect. I’m tired of the “So ner ner ner I’m right.” attitude. It’s childish and unnecessary. You might actually win points letting me be right every once in a while.

I’m learing believing is the most crucial aspect in anything coming true… Watching my dreams turn to reality is fucking epic.

I just got this:

From my bestest (and cutest) friend @ Guitar Center. Guess how much it cost me? 44 Dollars. Today, I am thanking the great unknown for being a girl. There is no way in hell he would have given that deal to ANYONE else. I’m still wondering how it’s in my thrifty little hands. Now, my total DJ setup has cost me:

Laptop – 300 (2000$ laptop)
Sound Card – 200 (400$ card thanks again Cody!)
Sealth Control – 44 (List price $469)
Cracked Traktor – 0

Which comes out to a total of 544$. Which is still, about 1000 dollars cheaper than me getting Serato + Turntables or CDJ’s.

I fucking win!

Here is one-good-thing to come out of today’s madness.

Remember, even chaos has a pattern.

Last year I was in Colorado, stuck in a little tiny apartment, wishing I was anywhere but there.

The year prior, was Ryan and I’s fourth (and last) Halloween together, (starting back when we worked for Hell’s Delight in CO.) And g*d was it an amazing year. I remember this weather, the slight change in wind patterns, the off color-ness of everything due to the placement of the sun. More than anything I miss our weekend adventures, stopping by every single Halloween/gore store we could think of, getting sugary sweet breakfasts, as well as a stroll through a local cemetery. Yah, I miss that the most, maybe, just maybe I can find a way to get myself to the H. Wood Cemetery today…

Sad to say I know it won’t be the same. It’s hard to say, but I am still trying to find ways to make my month of October as magical as it used to be in years past. Don’t know if I’ll ever find it again. Sure hope I do.

Having an internal battle with trying to quit smoking. Don’t want to talk about it here until I reach the end of this dialogue. And anyways, it’s not for you it’s for me. I am just realizing that I need to start letting go of some of my destructive behaviors before they truly start taking their toll. Question is, will my masochistic tendencies get to me? At this point I’ll either quit and be a pot smoking hippy or commit to a life and death by the cancer stick. Funny thing is, the MINUTE I admit that I am a non-smoker, the minute my brain starts thinking of ways/places to acquire a razor.

Kid you not.

I’m sane.

Really.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Just one cut…
Let a little bit of the life out.

Just one hit…
Let a little bit of the death in.

///////////////////////////////////////////

In all actuality, I am trying to figure out who the fucking hell the “model” for “normal” is. I certainly don’t know them.

Welcome to October… kiddies.

^^^^^

This year (BM09) I ended up on a DPW art car one day and they taught me their song.

“Rough around the edges,
Squishy in the middle,
Plump when you cook ‘em.
And they’re full of love.

Rough around the edges,
Squishy in the middle,
Push a little button,
And they’ll punch your face.

DDDD PPPPP WWWWW
…..
…
love.”

hahhahaha.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Had a great day working for LA Decompression. Seemed like a fair end to the season. I feel good about how this year went (Much better than last). And I def. feel ready to focus my energies on We the People.

$$$$

There’s another one for the history books, ladies and gentlemen.

Take care out there.

The FEARLESS,
Heroine R. Princess

+++++++++++++

Ding ding.
The boat has left shore.
For those of you who are still holding on to your crumpled tickets,
Go home now.
Looks like this is gonna be a solo mission.

===

I am all alone this time around
Sometimes on the side I hear a sound
Places parallel I know it’s you
Feel the little pieces bleeding through…

Being respected for who I am and what I am capable of.

Having a house on a cliff overlooking the beach with white flowing curtains.

An amazing husband. (When he and I are both ready for it.)

Making 2K a week and loving my job.

Having my name attached to some big, successful, inspiring, projects.

DJing 5000+ crowds.

Having a mountain cabin with a huge deck/sunroom with flowing prayer flags, colorful indian silks, and windchimes.

Being a “farmer”.

Having a REAL family.

Helping out those in need.

People coming to me for advice and having the capacity to give them solid answers.

People taking me seriously.

Creating some of the dopest events anyone has ever been to.

Throwing a Moon party.

Reconciling with everyone whom I ever hurt.

Piece of mind.

Complete and full love of myself.

Complete love of others.

Having multiple houses, which I own.

Friends worth fighting for.

Friends who would literally fight for me if they had to.

Finding lost loves (and friends).

An amazing, inspiring, growing scene to be a part of.

mmm. enjoy the eyecandy.

Missed Glitch Mob (Can’t win ‘em all.)

Parked the car far away but free. Started asking people for a ticket. Surprisingly no one had extras, let alone freebies.

Saw my friend Jesso and crew and he tried to get me in. Got through the first gate, up to the second one, then got sent back… Found a girl with an extra and convinced her to take all my money (26 dollars) minus the 6 which I would need to put in my car to get home.

Got inside, saw some peeps, saw Benga and Skream… (Then these ridiculous looking gogo girls came out on stage to dance while they were playing and it was soooo wrong. Prissy girls trying to dance sexy to dark dubstep… hmm.) So I thought, god damn wouldn’t I like to be dancing up there!!!

Disgusted, I got given a free water from my friend and wandered the grounds and realized I had never been so alone in a sea of people. Decided not to meditate on it. Kept kicking myself that I spent 20 bucks I didn’t have to hang out with no one. Went back to the dubstep stage, saw a friend who rescued me from the sea of underage e-tards and took me to the backstage/vip area for the stage. I smoked a J with an amazing female DJ friend, shortly thereafter, Rusko started, opening with my new fav jam Cali Anthem…

Danced behind the stage with plenty of room. Saw my friend Tim and he took me out in front, where the photogs hang out. Got to do some speaker fucking and vibe with Tim and my old friend Sean from CO.

Then Tim took me up onto the stage (!!!) and introduced me to the stage manager Chewie. Chewie says he gives full approval when I ask him if I can dance up front and center for one song. One song wasn’t enough and so asked again and was happily obliged.

When I was not dancing, I was standing RIGHT BEHIND Rusko… The set rocked, I loved watching Rusko up and close AND I danced my ass off for 4 BANGERS in front of 1500+ people. Imagine Go Go ing only when you WANT TO!!! ahhaha how fun!!! (PS That’s another goal knocked off the list!!!) Amazing time all around. At one point in time I look over and see a girl across the stage who I had asked if she had an extra ticket, coming out of the guest list line, earlier that night. She excitedly waves. I smile and wave back.

Dance on stage for last song and shortly thereafter, get approached by said girl to do an interview on how the girl they saw wandering around asking for a ticket, suddenly is dancing ON STAGE (as if I were being taken serious for once!!!) for a DJ who I love, and play religiously.

I will post the video when I find it.

“How did you do it?”
“Well, this is what I do… I mean not get into shows and dance on stage but, I am the fearless heroine! This is just how I work.”

After that spent 2 hours promoting. Someone gave me a cookie, AND I got a ride to my car.

I remember when (these…)
You told me all the joys in life
The simple things
Pleasure they would bring
When in troubled times (these…)

I remember then (these…)
You told me to wait patiently
I’d be rushing in
Much too hastily
Not knowing where to begin (these…)
To get all there and then (wanting it all there and then ?)

These…
These are the best days of our lives
These…
These…
These are the best days of our lives
These…

I remember when (these…)
You said the finest pearl came from a grain of sand
Expect to work for it and
Don’t grow up to soon (these…)
Such a precious jewel
Only a fool would be rushing in

These…
These are the best days of our lives

So I haven’t had a job that I hated this much since… Since I can’t even remember. I think it was probably working for Cottenelle on this wack ass 2 month kids tour we did in ’05. I guess this job has just put into perspective all of the amazing jobs I HAVE had.

On that note, talked with some circus heads last night and word is April. (Possibility of Korea before then but April for sure.) So I just need to keep my head above water until then. This month has been very rough on the job front but I am hoping next month turns around. October is always one of the busiest months for me. I lurve everything about October.

So through getting this wack ass job I just got my med license. Woo! Another one marked off the big list of things to do! Next in line is growing! Who knows when I will have the space/money to do that but it’s in the works. Yay for progress!

This blog is dedicated to anyone who hates their job but needs it to pay the bills.

I fucking feel you right now.

Even still though, I work at a dispensary, which is NOTHING like a REAL sellout job. Yay for keeping it indy, regardless. Go me.

<3